What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 18:19
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I said to her
Would you join a gym or workout at home and why?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was 9 years of age.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What does it mean to you to live a life that reflects biblical values?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
How do I get my body in shape?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I write beautiful poetry .
How do I overcome attachment issues?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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We all went to grammer schools
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What defines the k'vanna of the Book of בראשית?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Was to survive, this bastard.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Have you ever been instructed/forced to crossdress for the benefit of others?
I have no regrets .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Comes on , in middle age.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She was in good health!
But it wasn’t much.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He knew the spot.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was seconnd youngest,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What did i know ?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
When she asked me how she looked .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So, i spoilt her more .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Would this be the day?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is soul school!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So whats the point in blame.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im still living with it.
Put me off passion for life!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But, we were locked up after school.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And i lived it daily.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She wouldn,t have been !
My life is so biszare .
I will be 64.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was scared of men, in general
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I never cut or harmed myself..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were not on the streets..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was very sick at this time too.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She married twice! .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One cannot live in the past .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She found it foreign!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I think the readers, may guess!
(And it was in our own minds.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Who then, do I blame.?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Ive learnt so much.
I waited trembling.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My family never makes their pension either.
It was going to be , some day.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
All the time i was locked up.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I don,t even have a pension.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)